A Broker named Existence

We’ve heard the term “borrowed time” in films, songs, books, tv and probably even used it ourselves at least once in our lives. It’s one of those paradoxical idioms we glaze through, unfiltering what we actually mean by using it other than colloquially whipping off some response to make it sound like we’re listening.

But it’s quite a morbid term to use as liberally as we do. Tugging at the existential heart-strings of our psyche. Whether we’ve done deals with the devil, or simply been graced the chance to live a life we didn’t ask for (that I know of), we exist within a bracket, a set of two dates. A set of time which is not ours, but with which we use.

It makes you wonder, maybe even ponder, the purpose of this debt. The reason we were granted a chance to achieve a goal we were never set.

I guess that is the beauty of this existence. We are given a chance to do whatever it is our minds and hearts desire. A chance to choose our outcomes, or at the very least influence the path we are walking on. Making as many poor decisions as we do wise ones. Learning new skills, having unique or common experiences, creating memories for ourselves or others.

Want to make a lot of money and obtain a socially valued status.. go for it. Want to travel the world and share your stories with anyone willing to reach with an ear.. knock yourself out. Want to have a family and pass on your genetics to survive another generation.. heck, life doesn’t even care if you should, so why not? Maybe you want all of the above and more, well, nothing is impossible.

It’s a beautiful life, or maybe just a beautiful concept. Either way, you’re in debt, so go and enjoy it whilst you can.

Guise.

 

A Moment Defined (Vol.1)

This time last year, I had just rejected an extension to my employment contract after two long years at the same company. It was a decision I didn’t make lightly. Although the work was frustrating and change seemed impossible there, it was a comfortable job with great benefits (not so much the remuneration).

When I came into the job, it was off the back of feeling like a failure leaving the job before. Caveat to this, I must mention that when I look back now, three years on, I no longer believe myself to have failed, rather I achieved as much as I could despite the barriers outside of my control.

So feeling like a failure, for the second time in two jobs, I started in a role I was barely qualified for. Responsible for more than I’d ever been responsible for before, unsure of my knowledge and capability, I was at a point doubting that I was ever capable of succeeding in my field. But over the space of 2 years, I had the leader that I needed. One who was willing to be strong at the right times, and trusted me to make mistakes and learn from them. 24 months of being empowered proved to be everything I needed. And so I reached a point where I could learn no more from that leader. We had reached the max of what could be achieved in that dynamic.

With that in tow, I turned down the extension. I left that employer with nowhere to go, but not empty-handed. I entered a difficult labour market with 2 years more experience and all the confidence that I could hold. I was employable, at the very least. But I wasn’t just looking for employment. i wanted somewhere that I could make a difference, somewhere that I could feel the culture just through the recruitment process, which had the right pieces of the puzzle in the right places.

But two months without a job and multiple interviews each week without finding that place hits that confidence like a sack of sh…eets.

Thankfully I found the place I was looking for shortly after that two month mark, and almost a year on, I’m still very happy and optimistic. But this is a short story of defining moments, and whilst there have been a number of defining moments in my life, today is appreciates this one.

Back yourself. Sometimes in life we need to jump into the dark and trust our instincts (based on fact). At times, hindsight will help us to regret these decisions, but even with that, we know we made the decision for the right reason.

Guise.

Useless

In our world where technology advances at once inconceivable rates, the skills that were once cherished for necessity, have become somewhat of a distant memory. 

There were times when we worked the land, built our own homes with our own hands, baked our own bread, fixed our own problems and so on. Whilst our advancing technology has been such an unimaginable benefit to making life easy, I often find myself simply distracted by it. 

Distracted to a point where I wonder why I can’t build something for myself, or in a way which withholds me from more practical human pursuits. And it makes me think, what are we all going to do with our time, when there are no more jobs to be done by people. When sitting at my desk job becomes a faded reality, and there is no longer any profit to be made because all goods and services are performed by the animated inanimate. 

How do we feel about a world of steel and silicon which we move towards?

I feel somewhat useless. 

Guise. 

Eternity

Forever is a long time. We often find it hard enough to commit to a gym or a new phone contract, yet without even some opportunity to partake in the decision, we are born into existence. This eternal, ambiguous existence. 

So we forgive the universe for forcing this existence upon us, often times praising it, and we get on learning, growing, interacting, sharing, loving, and being. We just learn how to live, and ignore the impending threat of eternity. 

With this we accept that we have meaning to find in this small fragment of eternity which we call life. We often then flounder and procrastinate, consuming a cocktail of low self-worth and high insecurity with a dash of self doubt. Until one of two things happen; we either decide what we are going to take from this world after a nearly cathartic experience, or, this existence places a jigsaw piece in front of you which makes the puzzle all make sense. 

For me, I saw her and finally understood all that I was and I all that I could be. I had a reason, a direction, all guided by a hundred little butterflies. I soon recognised that my direction is a life in dedication to love and knowledge. 

But only if it meant spending eternity by her side. 

Guise.